Mazel tov, you’re a father! What now?

In the first few weeks (and in general!), the best way to care for your baby is to care for its mother. Mother the mother, and she can mother the baby. She is doing the bulk of the caregiving and your job is to support her in doing that.

Help her physically.

She might look the same to you or claim she’s feeling fine, but her body has just been through a lot. She shouldn’t leave her bed for at least a week! (She can choose to be up and about, but she shouldn’t have to be.) It’s your job to pamper her. Insist that she takes it easy and enable her to get a lot of rest. Adequately resting after giving birth is a lifelong investment into her physical and mental health… and conversely, serious long-term damage can be caused if the body is pushed too hard, too soon.

• Put a big water bottle next to her bed and make sure it’s filled at all times to her preference.
• Put food in front of her. Don’t ask her what she wants to eat; she’ll be hungry enough to eat anything. Make it nutritious! Choose warm, nutrient-dense foods (protein, veggies, soups) over cold foods like iced coffee, salad and sandwiches. Serve it to her by putting it within reach and including utensils, napkins and a plastic bag for garbage.
• Assume she is hungry. Giving birth is exhausting, and nursing requires lot of calories! Don’t give small portions or comment on how much she’s eating. Keep offering lots of healthy food.
• Clear the food when she’s done eating. Do the dishes.
• She may need external, paid support from professionals like a lactation consultant. Encourage her to pay what it costs and not feel guilty for it. It’s for her and your baby’s benefit.
• Sweep the floor yourself… or get cleaning help. She should not be doing any housework. Her only job right now is to care for herself and her baby.

Support her emotionally.

A new mother’s hormones are wildly fluctuating and will take a long time to settle down. Expect her to be moody, emotional, or otherwise not so rational. She’s allowed to be, she just created a whole human!

(If she seems really unlike herself, encourage her to reach out for support with postpartum depression or anxiety. Find professionals and resources here or via Sparks. Not sure if she needs help? Here’s a quick test.)

• Tell her she did a great job with the birth, that she is strong and capable, she is already a wonderful mother and your baby is lucky to have her.
• Assure her she is beautiful and her body just did something amazing. Don’t ask her (ever!!) when she will go on a diet, get back to pre-baby weight or “fit into her old clothes”.
• Take pictures of her (make sure she’s tznius) holding the baby—start now and don’t ever stop 🙂 (Do not share those photos on family groups without her approval!)
• It may be hard for her to stay tznius while she’s learning how to nurse. Don’t make her cover up because you’re there. You leave the room.
• Sure, you can go out to learn at night, or to a simcha (she might even encourage you to!)… but don’t. Stay home and keep her company, even if she’s sleeping. She’s going to wake up and need the bathroom at the same moment the baby wakes up… and then you’ll probably come home to both of them crying. Stick around as moral support and adult company.
• If she complains about how hard nursing is but wants to continue, be her cheerleader and encourage her to keep going. (If you suggest that she give formula, it will decrease her milk supply and can feel invalidating to her hard work. She may need a lactation consultant to guide her.)

Strengthen her mentally.

After giving birth, a mother’s brain undergoes significant re-organization to support responding to and caring for her baby. Decisions or planning can feel hard because she’s tired, overwhelmed, and focused on the newborn. Don’t force her to get into the headspace of having to make decisions. Take pressure off her by removing extra choices and chores. Help create a little cocoon of her and the baby so she can get a break from her usual responsibilities. Keep her world small so she can rest and bond. (Don’t worry, she’ll be back soon enough!)

• If you have other kids, just keep them alive. Don’t ask her what to feed them or where their clothing is. Do not give her decisions. Choose an outfit from their drawers. Do laundry if needed. Try to at least keep to the standard of the meals she’d usually serve (cereal is not actually a supper…. ) and bathe them as often as she does. Give her a break from caring for the other children.
• Don’t be helpless. She’s in no position to take care of you when she’s busy keeping a newborn alive. You’re a grown man, it’s okay if right now there is no hot supper ready or folded clothing. Make a grilled cheese (and one for her) and do the laundry.
• Learn where the bottles are kept and how to wash them. Same for diapers and wipes. When you feed or change the baby, she should have zero input into the entire process. Caring for your child is your job, too! (And again… any baby outfit will be fine, choose any!)
• You might think your wife magically knows how to take care of a newborn so she’s “better at it” than you, but that’s not true. You’re both learning on the job. She’s just been spending more time with the baby and getting to learn and understand him. Spend time with the baby and you’ll become an expert, too.
• You’re not going to break the baby… but you are able to give your wife a break. Take the baby, hold the baby, change its diaper, feed a bottle. Being an involved father starts now.

You can do it! So can she. Especially when she has your support.

Mazel tov on your growing family!

Three resources you can offer your wife (enter her email address):

1. Download FREE black and white Jewish cards for baby to play with here
2. Be the the first to hear about my upcoming course guiding postpartum moms through the first three months. Enter your email address below to get on the waitlist 👇

3. Give the ultimate baby gift: the knowledge to help her feel empowered in her parenting so she doesn’t have to learn everything the hard way. Sign up for A Motherhood Manual, an online crash course that prepares her for the first year and beyond.