What’s the Point?

I overheard a lady in the grocery store say, “Where’s the Pesach aisle?” and then, “Oh, here’s where the PTSD is.”

Whether we stay home or go away, we work so hard physically, prepare so much, and spend so much money. There is so much that goes into this. It would be such a shame if we actually miss the point and our kids grow up to hate it. Like the well known joke that the korban Pesach is not your children.

Similarly, and this is a bit of a dramatic example, when Esther asked Mordechai for the Jews to fast for three days it included the first day of Pesach. Mordechai said no, we need to have a Seder. Esther said, if you do not give up Pesach this year then there will be nobody to celebrate it next year.

The goal should be that our kids grow up and look forward to Pesach – not dread the cleaning, the pressure and the whole experience.

“Vehigadita Levincha.” The goal is to transmit. Everything we are doing is for that.

Make It Kid-Friendly

The Seder itself is actually designed to work for kids. It is not supposed to be stiff or formal. It is meant to be immersive, sensory, and engaging. For auditory learners, we talk. For kinesthetic learners, we dip, we touch, we move things around.

Unless we get in the way of that.

We get anxious about the pristine white tablecloth, the beautiful outfits, things spilling. We shush them. We try to keep everything controlled and neat. But the whole point is to keep them engaged, not contained.

(Download your free guide to making a kid-friendly Seder here.)

Getting Kids Involved Before Pesach Even Starts

If they are already not enjoying the lead up to Pesach, then of course they are not going to show up excited.

Helping should feel like an honor and a privilege. I get to be involved in what the grown ups are doing. I get to contribute. I get to help make Pesach.

Not that I am being forced into something I do not want to do.

There is also something very real about seeing the work of your hands. A child should be able to say, the potatoes I peeled went into this kugel, or I cleaned this shelf. That creates pride and ownership.

I actually believe that your kids do not HAVE to help you. They should, because they should learn responsibility and life skills and how to contribute to a household. And you are not their maid at their beck and call.

But it is still not their responsibility to maintain the household. That is yours, because you are the adult.

Of course, this looks different depending on ages and dynamics and how much help you have. But the principle is still true.

For a younger child (6 and down), I say, “Can you help me? You do not have to.” Because it actually is his job to play. And once that pressure is off, very often he says okay and comes to help anyway.

How to Make Them Want to Help

A lot of this comes down to how things are set up.

Give them real choices. You need to do one job, but you can choose which one. This needs to get done today, but you can choose when.

If they do not want to clean out the fridge because it grosses them out, that is valid. Let them do something else.

Make it visible. Let them check things off a list, cross things off a whiteboard, or put chametz free stickers around the house. That gives them a sense of progress and something to feel good about.

And it helps to inject some playfulness. You can be Pharaoh barking out orders. You can time them and see how long it takes. They can keep track of the time and trade it in for something, whether that is screen time, money, or even just time with you. You can make races between kids or guess how long something will take and see who is right.

It does not all have to feel so serious!

Let Their Contribution Be Real

When they want to help, or they ask to help, let them do it. 

Do not redo their work in front of them. Especially with things like peels. If you are going to check it, tell them in advance. “You do your best job peeling and I will help make sure all the peels are gone for Pesach.”

Pro tip: if it’s going into a soup, let them chop it up.

The Seder plates they prepare, or salads they make, can go on the kids table. Let their work actually be used.

When children are involved in the cooking process, they get more comfortable with new foods. They’ve watched it go from raw to cooked and helped throughout. This might make them more likely to taste new or unusual foods. 

When Kids Do Not Want to Help

When a child says, “Why should I?” or “I do not want to,” it is very easy, especially when you are exhausted, to hear that as disrespect. But usually there is something under the hood.

It might be that they do not understand what to do, or it feels too big, or you interrupted something they were doing. Maybe they do not understand why it has to happen now, or they do not feel capable of doing it.

If we only respond to the tone, we miss what is actually going on.

Sometimes it is also about how the task was given. Calling things out randomly throws kids off. They are in the middle of playing. That is their job, especially when they are younger.

Instead, think through what needs to happen ahead of time. Make it visible so they can see what is expected and what they have already done.

At the same time, set the tone that this is a team effort. We are all making Pesach happen together. It is okay to expect contribution, and it is also okay to say thank you. Not for every single thing, but in a general way so they feel that what they are doing matters.

When people feel valued, they show up differently.

The Seder Night

At the Seder, everything we did leads to this moment. It is not a time to crash. It is the purpose of the preparation.

The night is for the children. It is not about adults performing or creating a perfect image.

If you have teenagers, let them lead and share what they have learned. Let them take ownership over parts of the Seder.

Even setting the table can be part of this. Let kids set it. Let them bring their Haggadahs, their crafts, their things. It does not have to look perfect.

Bring cushions, blankets, pillows. Let kids sit on the floor or move around. They do not have to sit through the whole thing. They can come in and out and still be part of it.

You may not read every word of the Haggadah, and that is okay. You can always come back to it later.

Set Everyone Up for Success

Before the Seder, set everyone up for success.

Kids should nap. You should rest. Everyone should eat something beforehand. Do not come into the Seder completely depleted.

And expect that it will not look picture perfect. Someone will spill the grape juice and there’s going to be crying.

Your complete guide is right here:

What Actually Matters

The purpose of the Seder is to transmit the heritage. That is the point. The point is that your kids say next year, “I cannot wait for Pesach.”

Through that lens, ask yourself what actually needs to happen for your family to have a good experience.

Pesach connects the past to the future. Let’s not lose our kids in the process!

Listen to this as a conversation: “Mothering Effectively Through Pesach” here.