Mazel tov, you’re a father! What now?

In the first few weeks (and in general!), the best way to care for your baby is to care for its mother. Mother the mother, and she can mother the baby. She is doing the bulk of the caregiving and your job is to support her in doing that.

Help her physically.

She might look the same to you or claim she’s feeling fine, but her body has just been through a lot. She shouldn’t leave her bed for at least a week! (She can choose to be up and about, but she shouldn’t have to be.) It’s your job to pamper her. Insist that she takes it easy and enable her to get a lot of rest. Adequately resting after giving birth is a lifelong investment into her physical health… and conversely, serious damage can be caused if the body is pushed too hard, too soon.

• Put a big water bottle next to her bed and make sure it’s filled at all times to her preference.
• Put food in front of her. Don’t ask her what she wants to eat; she’ll be hungry enough to eat anything. Make it nutritious! Choose warm, nutrient-dense foods (protein, veggies, soups) over cold foods like iced coffee, salad and sandwiches. Serve it to her by putting it within reach and including utensils, napkins and a plastic bag for garbage.
• Assume she is hungry. Giving birth is exhausting, and nursing requires lot of calories! Don’t give small portions or comment on how much she’s eating. Keep offering lots of healthy food.
• Clear the food when she’s done eating. Do the dishes.
• She may need external, paid support from professionals like a lactation consultant. Encourage her to pay what it costs and not feel guilty for it. It’s for her and your baby’s benefit.
• Sweep the floor yourself… or get cleaning help.

Support her emotionally.

Her hormones are wildly fluctuating and will take a long time to settle down. Expect her to be moody, emotional, or otherwise not so rational. She’s allowed to be, she just created a whole human! (If she seems really unlike herself, encourage her to reach out for support for postpartum depression or anxiety.)

• Tell her she did a great job with the birth, she is strong and capable, she is already a wonderful mother and your baby is lucky to have her.
• Assure her she is beautiful and her body just did something amazing. Don’t ask her (ever!!) when she will go on a diet, get back to pre-baby weight or “fit into her old clothes”.
• Take pictures of her (make sure she’s tznius) holding the baby—start now and don’t ever stop 🙂 (Do not share those photos on family groups without her approval!)
• It may be hard for her to stay tznius while she’s learning how to nurse. Don’t make her cover up because you’re there. You leave the room.
• Sure, you can go out to learn at night, or to a simcha (she might even encourage you to!)… but don’t. Stay home and keep her company, even if she’s sleeping. She’s going to wake up and need the bathroom at the same moment the baby wakes up… and then you’ll probably come home to both of them crying. Stick around as moral support.
• If she complains about how hard nursing is, be her cheerleader and encourage her to keep going. (The obvious suggestion to give formula feels very invalidating to her hard work.)

Strengthen her mentally.

After giving birth, the mother’s brain rewires to meet the developmental level of the baby’s brain, which is basically emotional. She is pretty much incapable of executive functioning skills like decision making. Don’t force her into that head space! Help create a little cocoon of her and the baby so she can get a break from her usual responsibilities. (Don’t worry, she’ll be back soon enough!)

• If you have other kids, just keep them alive. Don’t ask her what to feed them or where their clothing is. Do not give her decisions. She doesn’t care what they eat or what they wear. That makes no difference in the scheme of things, but giving her a break does matter.
• Don’t be helpless. She’s in no position to take care of you when she’s busy keeping a newborn alive. You’re a grown man, it’s okay if you don’t have hot supper or clean clothing in your drawers. Make a grilled cheese and do the laundry.
• Learn where the bottles are kept and how to wash them. Same for diapers and wipes. When you feed or change the baby, she should have zero input into the entire process. (And just choose any outfit from the drawer!)
• You might think your wife magically knows how to take care of a newborn so she’s “better at it” than you, but that’s not true. You’re both learning on the job. She’s just been spending more time with the baby and getting to learn and understand him. Spend time with the baby and you’ll become an expert, too.
• You’re not going to break the baby… but you are going to give her a break. Take the baby, hold the baby, change the diaper, feed a bottle.